simon heath



Purpley
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1963 Born September 20 , sixteenth child of an albanian cheese curd juggler and a Marxist drainpipe pixie on board a trans-follicular express lozenge.Weighing only 5 lb, the mid-wife was concerned that I would be unable to take part in the ceremonial "Balancing of the Aardvark", in which the new-born is set on scales opposite the eponymous creature which is forced to consume termites until the balance is achieved.

1978 Admitted to the Royal College of performing armadillo portraitists.Possibly as a yearning for my aardvark-deprived nascence, I honed my portraiture skills depicting these particular zebra-striped animals using water-on-canvas and hydogen gas sculpture.Here I discovered Sensibleness , the controlled substance which makes reality appear completely normal to users .Under its' insidious influence, I fell in with the wrong crowd and spent all day at an office before retiring at a sensible hour.

1982 Defects from the former Eastern Bloc to the West to fight against garden snail abuse. *Gastropods have rights too*.When baby seals eat our lettuce, the practise of putting down seal pellets is met with outcry.Conversely, clubbing a snail to death on the polar ice-sheets is completely overlooked.

1984 Starts a form of art whereby world leaders are stuck onto cheeseburgers and consumed by timid jellyfish held in tanks of Soviet construction (unfinished).

1987 Paints the multiple "armpit " award -winning canvas "Peace in the Gravy Pant Oscillator".This massive work, in oil, acrylic, watercolour, bonsai trees and nasal hair on postage stamps ,balanced on beads of aubergine sweat and nitrogen atoms and suspended from weather balloons orbiting grumpy baboons perched upon oversized teletubbies, was entered into the Festival of Sneezing Summer Exhibition.Critical reaction ranged from modest praise to downright aerobics.

1992 Retreats to an Antarctic Buddhist temple for 10 years of contemplation on Time Space Dimensionality and its affect on Boolean Economic theory, under the guiding hand of the Daily Lama, a low circulation Andean newspaper dedicated the Lama and Alpaca.

NEXT YEAR Distorts the space time continuum and goes back a year.
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